35
Today I turn 35.
Yesterday, one of my mum’s friends told me, over coffee, that in Italy 35 is considered the age where you are not longer “un’ giovane” (a youth).
And so that made me think, what is a man, as opposed to a boy? When I was twenty-five, I felt like a man. But looking back, I realize just how young and naive I was.
And likely, when I am 45 I will likely think back to when I was 35, and realize how young and naive I was.
I wonder if 75 year old looks back to when they were 65…
Anyway, so three short reflections on what it is to be a man.
1. Do hard things, first.
I wasted a significant portion of my twenties procrastinating. Regardless of financial, moral, or social penalties. Looking back, I am amazed that I managed to achieve anything, and yet somehow I managed to muddle through.
There are countless times were I didn’t something I knew I had to do, and when I eventually did get round to doing it, it was almost always surprisingly easy.
Did I really wait 6 weeks and have this “thing” hanging over my head the entire time and it only took 25 minutes to do? Yes, and then I would go and do it again and again, the same mistake.
A real man is not like that. They do the hard things, and they do them first.
There is value in prioritization. There is value in understanding that not everything is of equal importance, and that the things we dread most are often precisely what we need to grow as individuals. The resistance we feel is a message.
2. Saying no.
Being a young man is about exploration, but at some point you have to figure out who you are going to be, and what you are going to do. Every door you open and step through, shuts an infinite number of other doors. But, the trick is to understand that it also gives you a new set of doors to choose from, some of which you may open in the future. And so on.
That said, eventually one has to stop becoming and, well, actually be! You have to understand what you do and why you do it. You have to embrace depth and expertise. The world does not need jack of all trades, but masters.
I tend to be horrifically bad at estimating how long things will take, so a “yes” can be especially dangerous for me. If I say yes, how much time am I committing to something? Often, I have no idea, and that’s the problem.
If I say yes to everything, I have nothing left for what matters.
3. Slow down to speed up.
I always tend to rush through everything, even if there is no benefit to doing it quickly. It is as if I cannot wait to get onto the next thing that I have to do, even I know that the plane will leave and land at the same time regardless of what I do while I am at the airport.
The problem with this is that life is the sum of all of these moments, and a rushed life will inevitably feel rushed. And paradoxically I feel that I rush and waste enormous amounts of time.
Slowing down makes things meaningful. We notice details we would otherwise miss. We don’t just spend more time doing the same thing, but it materially changes the texture of our experience.
It also signals maturity and confidence. I am not in a rush because I am in control, and because I would rather miss the plane than chase after it.
And also, we can actually do more when we slow down. Our efforts across our lives compound.And so, it is important to do things well so we compound our efforts on a solid foundation instead of something that will collapse and have to be rebuilt.
